June has arrived…This would’ve been the month that we brought a new human home. To understand what I mean, I probably need to take you back a few months ago. 

On October 12, 2019, Winfred and I walked into a Walgreens after the Love Builds Up Circuit Assembly in Fremont, CA. I hadn’t gotten my period yet and my body was feeling off. My doctor advised me to take a home pregnancy test and so I did. All three tests read “Positive” or “Pregnant.” We were utterly shocked and beyond belief. 

That evening was our Pioneer Appreciation dinner and our newfound knowledge was looming over our heads but we still couldn’t believe it ourselves and so we didn’t share the news with anyone. The following day, I had a scheduled blood test appointment and I asked the Lab Technician if she can draw additional blood, if needed, to test for my pregnancy. She agreed after consulting with her Supervisor, but she also made me message my doctor right away to send a request for the test.

A few days later, my doctor wrote and told me “Congratulations! You are pregnant. Please take prenatal vitamins as soon as possible, iron supplements since your hemoglobin is low, a prescription was sent to your pharmacy for thyroid medicine, and please schedule an appointment with an OBGYN right away.” 

That message was the starting point of this new reality hitting us all too quickly. We had never anticipated being parents, and at first, we were a bit saddened about how our lives would change drastically but eventually, we became overwhelmingly excited and thrilled about it. Winfred went into daddy mode straight away, and I into mommy mode. I threw out all my acne medication and facial products that contained salicylic acid, I avoided sushi and fish that had high mercury content, and I slept so much! I remember my body always feeling so tired. During my lunch hour, I would go to my car and sleep. I had preferred it over eating and yet, I still packed on the pounds.

Fast forward four weeks later, (which meant I was already eight weeks pregnant) and I had my first OB appointment. This would also be my first ultrasound. Prior to the appointment, I felt better. Less tired and I was really taking good care of myself. I had no inkling of a miscarriage happening. When we heard no heartbeat and when we saw my doctor’s face look a little sad, we just knew we lost the baby. It was one of the saddest feelings ever. A feeling that lingers and stays with you.

If the miscarriage had not happened, I would be 39 weeks right now. He or she would’ve been the size of pumpkin in my belly. And, I could have kept this all under wraps because, at 12 weeks, I went to Guam to take care of my mom. I stayed there for three months.  When I came back to California, within a week, a stay home order was placed for the state of California. Weekly meetings were being streamed online and everyone was preparing to work from home if they hadn’t already. Then zoom meetings started and the stay home order was extended. I have not seen some people for over six months. Imagine the shock and awe on their faces if the next time they did see me was with a newborn in my arms. That would’ve been a pretty impressive best-kept secret! But, the reality is, I won’t have a newborn in my arms, but at the least, I’ll have a memory of what could have been. And, having that memory is enough for me to cling to and to go about my day.